Dear Mr. President: Send Even
MORE Troops (and you go, too!) ...from Michael Moore
Dear Mr. President,
Thanks for your address to the nation.
It's good to know you still want to talk to us after how we
behaved in November.
Listen, can I be frank? Sending in
20,000 more troops just ain't gonna do the job. That will only
bring the troop level back up to what it was last year. And we
were losing the war last year! We've already had over a million
troops serve some time in Iraq since 2003. Another few thousand
is simply not enough to find those weapons of mass destruction!
Er, I mean... bringing those responsible for 9/11 to justice!
Um, scratch that. Try this -- BRING DEMOCRACY TO THE MIDDLE
You've got to show some courage, dude!
You've got to win this one! C'mon, you got Saddam! You hung 'im
high! I loved watching the video of that -- just like the old
wild west! The bad guy wore black! The hangmen were as crazy as
the hangee! Lynch mobs rule!!!
Look, I have to admit I feel very sorry
for the predicament you're in. As Ricky Bobby said, "If you're
not first, you're last." And you being humiliated in front of
the whole world does NONE of us Americans any good.
Sir, listen to me. You have to send in
MILLIONS of troops to Iraq, not thousands! The only way to lick
this thing now is to flood Iraq with millions of us! I know that
you're out of combat-ready soldiers -- so you have to look
elsewhere! The only way you are going to beat a nation of 27
million -- Iraq -- is to send in at least 28 million! Here's how
it would work:
The first 27 million Americans go in
and kill one Iraqi each. That will quickly take care of any
insurgency. The other one million of us will stay and rebuild
the country. Simple.
Now, I know you're saying, where will I
find 28 million Americans to go to Iraq? Here are some
1. More than 62,000,000 Americans voted
for you in the last election (the one that took place a year and
half into a war we already knew we were losing). I am confident
that at least a third of them would want to put their body where
their vote was and sign up to volunteer. I know many of these
people and, while we may disagree politically, I know that they
don't believe someone else should have to go and fight their
fight for them -- while they hide here in America.
2. Start a "Kill an Iraqi" Meet-Up
group in cities across the country. I know this idea is so
early-21st century, but I once went to a Lou Dobbs Meet-Up and,
I swear, some of the best ideas happen after the third mojito.
I'm sure you'll get another five million or so enlistees from
3. Send over all members of the
mainstream media. After all, they were your collaborators in
bringing us this war -- and many of them are already trained
from having been "embedded!" If that doesn't bring the total to
28 million, then draft all viewers of the FOX News channel.
Mr. Bush, do not give up! Now is not
the time to pull your punch! Don't be a weenie by sending in a
few over-tired troops. Get your people behind you and YOU lead
them in like a true commander in chief! Leave no conservative
behind! Full speed ahead!
We promise to write. Go get 'em W!